Captivate Network

February 13, 2007

Last year, TVs suddenly appeared in the elevators in our office building. They broadcast a weird mix of advertising and news lite complete with sports scores and Billboard charts. They run on 60 – 90 minute loop and don’t have any video, just a bunch of text messages.

I hate them. They throw cool facts at me like, “Happy Birthday to Bronson Pinchot“. Really. Bronson Pinchot. The guy from Perfect Strangers. Or maybe you remember him from his brilliant portrayal of Serge in Beverly Hills Cop. Either way, Bronson Pinchot?

Just for fun, I googled other May 20 birthdays. They could have went with Cher, Jimmy Stewart or Joe Cocker. Or maybe a Sports guy, Tony Stewart? How about Dave Thomas the Wendys guy? Even Moshe Dayan, a noted founder of modern Israel. Or the other end of the spectrum. Gilda Radner passed away on May 20th. So did Christopher Columbus.

Better yet, what about other May 20 events?

The First Council of Nicea? North Carolina secedes from the Union? Levi Strauss patents Blue Jeans (with rivets).

No. They decide to go with Bronson Pinchot. The only thing better would have been the fictional birthday of Capt. Kathryn Janeway (born in Bloomington, Indiana in 2332) .

And no, I can’t just ignore the damn thing. I’m a guy. When I see a television, my head automatically swivels to look at it. It’s primal.

But honestly, my hatred lies deeper than the stupid Bronson Pinchot facts. It lies in the ubiquitous onslaught of advertisements. I bet I pass 100 different advertisements on my way to work and now, I can’t even get away from them on the elevator. To make it even worse, the TVs on the elevator are part of the Captivate Network. It’s like they’re taunting me with their very name.

“Ha, Screw you worker bee. Not only do you have to look at me now, I will be waiting here for you everytime you leave the building. You cannot escape. You are my captive.”

Screw ’em. I’ll take the stairs.

OK, probably not. I would, but I’m afraid I might miss the latest Anna Nicole Smith update.



  1. Really? Janeway was from Bloomington, IN in 2332? I wonder if she had to grow up listening to people complain about Bob Knight getting fired?

  2. I just want to be on a blob.

  3. I can help you out but it depends on the blob.

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